Geraldine Blecker

 And it’s a Happy Independence Day to you all. Especially to my American readers!

As for us Brits, we traditionally celebrate 4^th July by flushing a teabag down the toilet.

And here we are doing that very thing.

And while we're on the subject, suicide is never easy.

But the brand new Office Assistant from Microsoft’s Office 2009 will help you draft that suicide note you’ve been grappling with.

I was taken to task by reader Kai Mickley for my geographic inaccuracies about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Azerbaijan as a Caucasus Republic, for example, is indeed part of Europe. Apparently all countries that are members of the EBU (European Broadcasting Union, with their own broadcasting network) are eligible to take part. This includes Turkey, Israel and all of North Africa and even The Vatican, if it chose to be so tasteless. Morocco used to be a regular contestant back in the 70s and obviously as the first nation to realize the sheer degrading uselessness of it all, ceased taking part, while Lebanon withdrew at short notice last year due to the Israeli conflict. Apparently the only country officially excluded is Lichtenstein, as it is without its own radio station.

Slobogostan and Lower Zscernwcysk had to withdraw at the last minute this year due to the outbreak of war: Lower Zscernwcysk wanting to reunite with Upper and Southwest Zscernwcysk, which Slobogostan could not allow. This has resulted in a serious drop in the Slotnik, which is now trading at 185 million to the Euro. But what does all this really mean in American terms?

 (And many thanks to Martha Duff for pointing this out)

Hot on the heels of voting for Germany’s next Top Model, Pop Idol, Best Survivor, Worst Driver, Lousiest Mechanic, Fattest Viewer, Best Inventor, together with reality shows focusing on Wife Swapping, Home Redecorating, gay guys dressing straight dudes, and various coaches and counsellors tormenting juvenile delinquents live on TV, among a plethora of others equally mindless if not downright sadistic, Germany’s TV networks have just launched some choice new product. Here are the “top” three exciting new programs:

Germany’s VOX network deserves some special brownie points for the sheer extraneousness of its latest casting show TOP CUT - in search of the next superstar hairdresser.

This is not a joke. 15 Crimpers compete before a jury of their utterly obscure and cretinous peers  from the hairdressing world, as pictured here on the right.

Nor is RTL - who has a lot to answer for after inflicting BIG BROTHER on Europe - dragging its feet in the casting show frenzy. The network’s latest offering, “Mission Hollywood” offers 12 young actresses the chance to compete for a role in one of the upcoming sequels in the “Twilight” film franchise. Contestants “have to go through the motions of the real job” of an actress, such as doing stunts, re-enacting movie scenes from such films as “Dirty Dancing” and “9 1/2 Weeks” and, needless to say, taking their clothes off.

The show’s host Til Schweiger (one of Germany’s "biggest” stars) and acting coach Bernhard Hiller serve as permanent judges, joined every week by a third and equally obscure juror. Famous guests include lots more people you’ve never heard of.

But public broadcaster ZDF, after choosing pop idols and top models, is not to be outdone and its latest show  "Ich kann Kanzler" ("I can be Chancellor") hosted by Steffen Seibert, takes the cake,  actually offering winners the chance to run the country.

Viewers can watch the cheap and cheesy videos submitted by six finalists, who outline their political agendas. Current favourite is 18-year old Delano Osterbrauck of Munich - who bears a startling resemblance to Barack Obama - and spouts meaningful slogans like "Harness the strengths of all our citizens."

40 out of the 2,500 contestants were selected to come to Bonn, where each one made a brief speech in the old Bundestag (German Parliament) before a panel of 3 judges composed of a politician, a TV talk show host, and a comedienne: All superbly qualified, I’m sure you will agree, to choose the next government leader in the country’s forthcoming elections on September 27. 

But neither Germany nor ZDF can claim the dubious honor of creating this program. Patterned after CBC’s "Canada's Next Great Prime Minister,” it evolved from an essay contest, has been airing for three years and turned out to be a surprise hit. So this is something we can definitely blame on Canada, who have been selling the concept around the world. Germany's version is to be followed by Australia and Britain. Will the crap never end?

As the TV networks obviously seem to be scraping the barrel here, I thought of a few new concepts for tasteless shows that would provide terrific entertainment.

Germany’s Best Undertaker - with spin-offs like: Best Funeral Makeup, Europe’s Top Porno Star, Super Slut, and Paedophile of the Month.

.(June 23 - July 22)

You are kind, caring and compassionate, so people walk all over you.

You get lots of emails asking you for money.

Although relatively ambitious, everything you touch turns to shit.

You are a sexual pervert and in constant danger of getting arrested.

 And once again, it’s the latest from Japan!

In case you were wondering, these posteriors are actually screen-printed onto the skirts!

But why pay extra, when you can let your own ass hang out?

There’s not much amusement value I can contribute about the airlines this month and can only suggest that we travellers do our best to avoid the Airbus. 

Two of them have gone down in less than four weeks, the most recent being the Yemenia Yemen Airways Airbus A310 (Flight Y626) en route from Sana’a in Yemen to the Comoros Islands, which crashed in the Indian Ocean on June 30, with only one survivor out of the 142 passengers and 11 crew onboard. Although bad weather is believed to have been the main cause of the crash, serious concerns about this particular aircraft were raised by French transport authorities following safety checks in 2007. But, as always, it takes a true disaster to get anybody’s attention. The A310 went into service 19 years ago and had accumulated 51,900 flight hours. Basically, it should not still have been in the air.

Turbulence is also purported to be one of the major causes of the June 1 crash of Air France Flight 447 - an Airbus A330 - in the Atlantic, en route from Rio to Paris, resulting in the loss of 228 lives; although no one will probably know for sure as the black boxes are unlikely ever to be found.

French investigators have said, however, that the airspeed sensors had been feeding inconsistent readings to the cockpit. Conflicting airspeed data can cause the autopilot to shut down and in extreme cases, the plane to stall or fly dangerously fast, possibly causing a high-altitude break-up. But this is still conjecture. Airbus and Air France have said that there is no firm evidence linking the speed monitors and the crash. Air France has upgraded all sensors on its long-haul fleet as a precautionary measure after protests from pilots.

“There’s really no link between these two accidents,” said an Airbus spokesman. As well he might.

But enough from me for another month. As the global employment market seems to be going down the toilet, I thought this cartoon was appropriate.

No matter how tacky your job - be glad you've still got one!

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   July 3, 2009

(Many thanks this month to Jayney Klimek for providing the Japanese innovations!) 

 To make contact easier and get automatic updates, just subscribe to my site, below.  

 As you can see from these shots of the city centre, downtown Frankfurt is coming along nicely and at the present rate of construction, should be ready to welcome shoppers sometime within the next decade.

 If you look closely at the 2^nd photo, you will see a rare sight: a solitary worker (with an orange vest) on the far left.

But all in all, Frankfurt has a realistic attitude towards the current economic crisis.

But for those of us who still have some cash to invest and are determined to see the present financial meltdown as an unexpected opportunity, here are some useful definitions for the amateur investor:

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. 

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor: Day trader who's locked up in a nut house.
Liquidity - Liquid, i.e. alcohol, plus stupidity. The necessary qualifications for investing in Internet stocks.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants when the market crashes.

Standard & Poor: Your life in a nut shell.
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Straddle - What you do to celebrate after launching your own IPO (involves two French girls and a lot of champagne)

This month's airline misery award - at least for XXL passengers - is an outright win for United Airlines, who is cracking down on the overweight.

According to the airline, passengers who are too large to fit into a single seat, buckle the seatbelt, or unable to put down the armrests, will be forced to buy a second ticket or upgrade to a premium class, where the seats are larger. If a flight is full and an obese passenger is unable to buy another seat, they will be bumped from the flight.

A United spokeswoman told the Chicago Tribune that the airline decided to implement the policy after getting "more than 700 complaints last year from passengers; 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat.'

United employees at Chicago's O'Hare Airport have been told to "be extra vigilant for passengers they deem to be overweight."

Let's face it, they must be difficult to spot!

(news item courtesy of the Huffington Post).

ACAI X 3 - The supplement your body needs!  

The blurb goes on to say:

"Native to the Amazon Rain Forest, this ACAI Berry super food is packed with a combination of antioxidants and amino acids which naturally work together to help the body burn fat more efficiently."

But what's cool is the FREE TRIAL SIZE you get with every order of PEPTOBIMBO: liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception, or DUMBEROL which, when taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in a sudden penchant for country music and tattooed truckers. 

MEDICAL WARNING: This product will make you realize that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.

You are inclined to expect too much for too little, which makes you a cheap bastard.

Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

And from the US, here's a brand new product for those embarrassing male moments.

Yes, guys, It's CRACK SPACKLE.

Watch the live demonstration! (thanks to Sophie Runciman for sharing)

This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.

As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or Armenia, Belarus, Slovenia, Slovakia, Slobogostan, Montenegro, Moldova, Estonia, Upper Bogdavia, Lower Zscrenwcysk, Andorra, to name but a few. If nothing else, the 54th Eurovision Song Contest certainly served as a lesson in geography. I, for one, didn't even know that Israel and Azerbaijan were in Europe!

The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while Georgia was banned on political grounds for entering a song that disparaged Russian prime minister Putin, and the striptease artiste who performed alongside Germany's entry was felt to be in poor taste. This surprised me somewhat, as most of the contestants performed practically naked, which served as an effective distraction from the abysmal quality of the music.

Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.

So in a nutshell, the forecast is Sunni in parts, but mostly Shiite

But enough from me for another month, although I would leave you with this final thought:

When you're feeling down and depressed and wondering just what life is all about, it may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   May 31, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins once again for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

I didn’t manage to wish you all a Happy Easter - what with being on the road from Sea to Shining Sea, with all kinds of communication problems. But I hope all my readers had a jolly and relaxing time. 

I am sad to announce that, once again after the holiday, there have been some further cases of PED on the part of all those fluffy little Easter bunnies, who can’t face the thought of being redundant for another year and just don’t want to live anymore.

As you can see below, some of them have found the most inventive - and gruesome - ways of putting an end to it all.

 (More of this can be found in Andy Riley's THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES published by Holder & Stoughton)

US AIRWAYS is back on top again! There is no doubt that the US airlines in general treat their domestic passengers like scum. In fact, they should change "coach" to "scum" class. That way, there would be no surprises.

US Airways, which is probably no exception, gets some special misery points for imposing extra charges for all baggage - even the first piece ($15) and increasing incrementally from thereon in.

But my recent flight from LAX to Newark, via Philadelphia - no, don’t ask me why! - included some extra misery bonuses: record-breaking officiousness on the part of the flight attendants, the overhead light wouldn’t go out, the seats wouldn’t recline, and in-flight entertainment was non-existent, apart from the occasional bursts of abuse from the aforementioned flight attendants, some of which was mildly amusing. And the aircraft itself was so rickety, we were all just grateful that the old crate stayed in the skyr. So, a total of 50 misery points to US Airways!

While AMERICAN AIRLINES wins 10 plus points for their new cost-cutting strategy. The airline saved $40,000 last year, by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Makes you wonder where they buy their olives.

(Photo courtesy of Joe Lauricella, forwarded by Toni Rocco - thanks, Toni!).

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

No one who knows me well - and admires my elegance and impeccable dress sense - will be surprised to discover that I shop for most of my clothes at these two shops in Manhattan.

Not forgetting the groovy place in SoHo, where I buy my designer toilet paper.

Which I certainly have been using lots of just lately, what with my new weight-loss plan..

Ever since I updated to super-ultra-turbo-high-speed Internet (8,000 GB per nanosecond), everything has slowed down by at least 300%. How do you explain that? I guess this means I’ll have to call "Dave" on the Mumbai helpline for 30 million Rupees a nanosecond.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)

You are practical and persistent.

You have a dogged determination and work like hell.

You prevail in most arguments because you are stubborn and bull-headed, but are basically full of bullshit.

You are an unimaginative idiot.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. It goes downhill from there.

The US government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Reader Phil Holmes reports that casino owner, Chief "Throw-up-the-seven-or-eleven", whom he recently encountered in Palm Springs, has just developed a new invention called the STREAM CATCHER.

Everyone thought this would be an agricultural device, but it turned out to be a urinal. 

Still in Native American tradition, it can be worn as a brooch or on a leather thong around the neck.

Probably a good excuse for me to "butt out" for this month! Tune in next time for more exciting details of my recent US tour and just a few of the things that cheesed me off from Sea to Shining Sea. 

And finally, try to remember, like I do, that when I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend the middle finger and tell them to bite me!

 Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB  April 27, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

And this month’s Airline Misery Award goes to German Lufthansa!

Thanks to Lufthansa’s pitiful service at Frankfurt airport, I was recently able to miss my flight to Berlin while actually standing in line to check in! For me, this was an all-time first and worth at least 100 misery points for the inefficiency, lack of cooperation and downright rudeness of the personnel.

So, imagine my joy 2 weeks later to discover that, according to Lufthansa "general terms of carriage", my return flight had automatically been canceled. Apparently this is standard procedure for passengers who have failed to take the outbound flight. Worth another 100 misery points, at least.

Unfortunately,  these "general terms and conditions" - about 300 pages of tiny print which everyone should read for their own edification - seem to be in direct violation of a ruling by the Frankfurt District Court in 2006, prohibiting an airline’s automatic cancellation of a return flight in just these very circumstances. I think that's worth another 100 misery points, don't you? Which makes Lufthansa our current record holder with a total of 300 misery points!

So, I paid twice for a Frankfurt/Berlin return trip and ended up taking the train. An incredibly comfortable, four-hour trip from city centre to city centre, with no hassle, no security control, no cavity search, coffee delivered to my comfy seat, thanks to the Deutsche Bundesbahn - which I should have considered doing in the first place!

My advice to domestic passengers traveling in Germany? Take the train!!!

It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the US on Feb. 3. One day later, I get a call from American Express, asking if I’d just spent $11,700 in a spa resort in New South Wales, Australia! Nice thought, but needless to say, it wasn’t me. Still, somebody did, courtesy of my Amex card. Now, this card had only been activated six weeks before, never been out of my sight and even I didn’t know the pin code or security number. So how the hell did they do that? Anyway, Amex, as polite and efficient as always, dealt with this matter and in a manner causing me zero personal grief and no financial loss - apart from the initial heart flutter at the news - and made it right.

About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)

Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.

So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.

Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?

”Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain)

I thought I'd pass on this notification from Adobe. 

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.

You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice.

You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with.

You are an asshole.

 And for those born on February 29^th of a leap year, there’s a special astrological sign.

 Feces (Feb. 29) 

As you only have a birthday once every four years, you are unable to grow up and mature like other people.

You like diving and swimming.

Normal behavior for a piece of shit. .

So I guess that's it from me for this month. I'll be back again for the Easter edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

March 7, 2009.

There’s nothing like a “Closing Down Sale”, garage or car boot sale, and the possibility of acquiring some "free shit", to get US consumers out on the street and lining up three-deep outside a store for hours, in the hopes of buying something cheap that they never wanted in the first place.

And so it was the other weekend with “Circuit City” - one of the many stores and chains,  going out of business, closing down branches or just getting rid of thousands of workers. 

No sooner did the announcement hit TV screens that the electronics chain was going out of business than the lines started forming. Two armed security guards stood watch outside the store, admitting customers one at a time after an ID check and cavity search.

Needless to say, a blend of curiosity and masochism drove me to take my place in the line. I mean, if it wasn't for security checks, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.

So it's back to my old weight loss favorites: Puke-It-Up and Flush-It-out (with green tea extract and essence of acacia, as endorsed by Oprah Winfrey!). And if that doesn’t work, I’ll have Nutrisystem deliver "142 mouth-watering meals right to my door!"

Don’t forget, Alison of Bare Ass, Nebraska, lost more than 68 lbs - in one week! And Luke of Frigid, Wisconsin, 178 lbs!

 Meanwhile, I'm off to get some professional advice...

Although they really don't make it easy for you out here.

But it's not all homemade ice cream and pie kitchens. There are lots of elegant, designer restaurants, like this one the left, for example..

A postage-stamp portion of “black linguini with honey-roasted shrimp on a bed of arugula with white asparagus, sesame croutons and a drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette”, for instance, cost about a $500, tasted like cardboard - although it was prettily arranged on the plate - and the service was nothing to write home about either, apart from the waiter’s cute Italian accent.

On the other end of the scale, you can go to any of the multitude of fast-food dives and get  KFC, pancakes, a burger, or a mile-long, toasted submarine sandwich with everything on it - and dripping with 38 different kinds of melted cheese - for about $2.50. The only way to eat it, of course, is over the sink. According to a TV ad I just saw, “Domino’s oven-baked sandwiches beat Subways 2 to 1 in all national taste tests” – so I guess they must be really good.

I like to cook when I can. And as I like good, healthy ingredients, I shop at Whole Foods. Every item only costs $20 more than anywhere else, and tastes pretty much the same. 

But for those of us watching our weight, my local Whole Foods (on 5th and Wilshire) is a blessing: it must be the most unattractive supermarket in the world.

No matter how hungry I am when I go in, I can never find anything even vaguely appetizing.

Today, I went in for some chicken and came out with a pair of reading glasses, so there you are.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

  And here's the ultimate scam. A group purporting to fight the Spam Scammers. See this email below from - where else - but Nigeria.
 
“I believe you all know what scam is all about. We are Global scam fighters. We are on Internet to inform every one who has been a scam victim that their is an opportunity for them to get back their Money. We are present in africa now to fight scammers and to recover back our lost money to africans."
 
"We encourage any one that has fall victim to co operate with this commission to help them get back their money. All we need is your reply then you brief us how the transaction was made then we will carry on with our investigation. Be rest assured that your money will get back to you within 6 days. you must trust us to trust you okay. Secretary General - If you had sent money to Africa you have a chance to take them to court because 1 of them had been caught..if you lost money or win deaf lottery, contact us quick or chat at yahoo messenger. reply back to this email: scamtrace@gmail.com."

My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.

Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.

I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be creative, which means you lie a great deal.
You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you do not pay attention to anyone and never take advice.
This makes you an idiot.
Everyone thinks you smoke lots of dope.

You may remember my last month's horoscope for Capricorn. 

I wrote: There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus)."

Michael Levine has this to say: "According to biblical scholars, Jesus was most likely born in March. (Shepherds don't tend their flocks in 'fields where they lay' in mid-winter in the Middle East, among many other clues)  So, Capricorns are actually complete losers.

So I guess that's it from me for this month. the first of the new year. I'll be back again for the bumper Valentine's Day edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

January, 30, 2009.

If you drop a bag of lentils on the kitchen floor, you will keep finding them forever!

Why send Christmas cards, when you can send out your very own Spam! Without even knowing it, too! Imagine my surprise to find that I had sent myself - and probably everybody I know - an email with the headline: “Set Your Wife on Fire!”  Needless to say, I opened it - thinking it was a neat arson suggestion and, after all, the sender was hardly unknown to me - and there it was: an ad for “D-Large”, a brand new product to make you extra hard, extra long, extra large, and so forth.

Wondering how people could hijack my email address to make virus-filled spam look like it's coming from me, I googled the topic to find that it really is easy and anybody can do it! Email has no built-in verification of who is sending it. This means that any person can send an email that appears to come from any address. You don’t need special tools, just a basic knowledge of email headers. (My email was hosted by a server in Poland.) And if you’re on the receiving end, apparently there is nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that jolly?

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.

You are basically chickenshit.

There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus).

You should kill yourself.

As another year draws to a close, I want to thank you all for the super emails you have forwarded to me over the past year with special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But this will change once I receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 guardian angels.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. Otherwise I will break out in boils and die a horrible death.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains, as well as taking off my nail polish from the inside.

I no longer go to shopping malls in case somebody drugs me with a food sample and steals my handbag.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I dare not use anyone else's toilet because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Or in case a giant mutant alligator crawls up out of the sewage system, where it has been skulking for centuries, to drag me into the bowels of the earth.

I can't even pick up the ten bucks I found lying in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed ax murderer waiting under the car to grab my leg and hack me to death.

If you don't send this email to at least 86,000 people in the next 5 minutes, a huge vulture with diarrhoea will let loose and follow you around forever.

(I want to thank John Hawkins for forwarding this letter to me, originally composed by Alida Chaney)

So that's it from me for this month - this year, actually - wishing you a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year - financial crisis notwithstanding.

Indeed, the prospects are looking grim for 2009, and I guess we could all do with a bit of support.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've all got plenty to moan about. So, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB, December 24, 2008 

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 

Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).

Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers! 

 No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.

Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress.... 

 The News...

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic.

You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent.

The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.

You are a worthless piece of shit.

So that's it from me for another month, wishing you a Happy, albeit belated, Thanksgiving.

My better half and I are getting ready to fly back to the frozen wastes of Germany in a few days to spend Christmas at home.

Meanwhile, I've done some serious updates, so if you haven't had enough yet, check out the latest Movie Reviews + News & Views, and there will soon be some brand new stuff  in My Travels and Photo Gallery. 

I'll be back with the bumper Christmas Edition with lots more irrelevant observations and tedious trivia.

Meanwhile, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

To make contact easier, just Subscribe To My Site below, for automatic updates.

Geraldine LB November 27, 2008

Credit crunch and financial crisis notwithstanding, there was little evidence of any belt-tightening in the nation's capitol. Quite the reverse, in fact I noticed nothing but excess in all its forms.. Some put it down to Southern Hospitality. 

Amidst rising Election Fever - now less than 2 weeks away - everyone was scuttling around in a panic, wondering how to keep their jobs under the new administration.

There is little else on the news, although campaigning has been going on for well over a year. Debate has followed repetitious debate, followed by exhaustive analysis of said debate, interspersed with ever-more savage smear campaigns. We must know just about everything there is to know about these guys by now: down to the color of their socks. Everything, in fact, but the identity of their respective cabinets. Nobody seems interested. Not even the media has asked - who will your advisers be? Who will be your Secretary of State, Defense, Chief of Staff, etc.? 

It's obviously not important.

But for some residents of the District, life goes on as usual.

Especially in the Washington Zoo, as can be seen from this giant tortoise gang bang. 

The one on top (male, I can only presume) weights about 500 lbs., while the one below only weights about 150 lbs. She (if female) didn't have a chance.

An extraordinary event, according to a zoo official, who said that they only do this about once every 80 years!

Nothing helps you forget your troubles like tight shoes.

As this is how most people communicate these days, no serious bitching would be complete without some mention of telecommunication and Spam. Everybody you know seems to have at least 35 different email addresses and 18 phone numbers, although strangely enough, this does not make contact any easier. No one in the US will answer the phone for a start, because of all the telemarketing, so you have to leave voice mails all over the place. These sometimes disappear into the ether - or wherever it is that voice mails go - so the notification often doesn’t appear until days later. Lord help you, if your message was urgent. Important emails likewise often go astray and float around somewhere but, it’s a weird thing, the SPAM always seems to get through! Even if it lands in your spam folder, it gets there.

Now, you can install a million firewalls, anti-virus programs and spam-blockers, which will only serve to slow down your PC, clutter up your hard drive, and make sure you can’t get in touch with anyone at all. But the SPAM will still slip through.

A few months back, I wrote an amusing (I thought) little piece about all the glorious financial opportunities that were landing in my spam folder. You know the ones, the Spam Scams telling you about the lottery tickets you’ve won, the FedEx package that has just arrived in your name, employees of various banks who want you to help them get millions out of the country, the terminally ill wanting you to distribute their wealth to worthy causes because they don’t trust their families, etc., etc., all in a transparent attempt to access your bank account details and/or - if you are naïve enough to be hooked - get you to fork out a few hundred bucks for certain "processing fees". 

These are some of the loglines:Good news, you have a package with Fed-Ex, Congratulations lucky winner, Future millionaires wanted, Important notice! and Greetings to you!  (I find that one particularly ominous),  International ATM Credit Settlement.

Then there are the educational prospects: A Radiology degree offers new career opportunities, A rewarding career begins with a degree, A brighter future starts with a medical billing degree, and Ever thought about getting into pharmaceuticals?

(Oh, boy, have I!).

But by far the most spam seems to revolve around erections or lack of same, which leads me to assume that the male erection, or lack of same, is a bigger problem than I had ever supposed. What used to be the relatively discreet Get your Viagra online has evolved into some very imaginative slogans, all of which seem to be aimed at the impotent American market: When the tool is hard life is good, How to control your ejaculations, Your pecker will grow by inches  (why stop there? Why not yards?). This next one’s really weird: You can make your daughter groan girls from pleasure? (not composed by an English-speaker, surely?), Get bigger and harder erections,  Want a king pecker?, Rock hard is the only result we give, Express size increase only with magic growth, Proud American!, Cheap method to increasing your erection, Boost your erection and sex life now, She will want to wrap her hands around your shaft (very graphic, that one). And my personal favorite: Put power in your pecker  (short and to the point). 

The number of websites and online pharmacies devoted to flogging comparatively priced Viagra and generic drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, like Cialis, Levitra, Tadalis, Meridia, Celebrex, and the Little Blue Pill, etc., is truly phenomenal. Wondering if this was a relatively recent development or if the problem had always been lurking in the male psyche, I tried to access some sales statistics, purported to be in billions, but came up against a stone wall. I shall, however, keep trying.

Meanwhile, I came across an article from 2001, reporting one of the first Viagra-related deaths, Mr. Kenneth Marsh of Fairfield, Indiana, who died of an overdose. Apparently it took them 3 days to wipe the smile off his face and another 2 weeks to get the coffin lid down.

What is certain, is that today more money is being spent on Viagra than on Alzheimer's research, which means that by 2040, there will a lot of old men with huge erections unlikely to remember what to do with them.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)

Yours is the worst sign of the Zodiac.You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.

You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.

You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

So it's farewell from me this time round, wishing you a Happy Halloween.

Just dusting off the old broomstick to fly to Los Angeles for a Witches Convention.You all know how I love the place (scroll down to the end for more details), so I'm looking forward to finding lots of stuff that pisses me off.

Meanwhile, I've done some serious updates, so if you haven't had enough of me yet, check out the latest Movie Reviews, News & Views, and there are some brand new photos in My Travels and Photo Gallery. 

I'll be back with the Thanksgiving Edition with lots more biased opinions and irritating trivia.

Meanwhile, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

To make contact easier, just Subscribe To My Site below, for automatic updates.

Geraldine LB October 26, 2008

IBERIA gets 10 points for the sheer wretchedness of their in-flight entertainment.

This relates, of course, to economy class. Should the in-flight movie be anything worth watching, then rest assured the headphone sockets will be faulty.

Santo Domingo Airport gets 10 points for bureaucracy. You not only have to take your shoes off at the security checkpoint (2 points), but you have to fill out all kinds of senseless forms - printed in Spanish in very tiny print with no pens in sight - before heading for the departure gate (8 points). These forms must be handed in about 20 seconds after you've filled them out. Note: None of the questions on this form are in any way applicable.

Madrid Barajas Airport gets this month’s top score of 20 points for the officiousness of their security people.

 40 misery points altogether: an all-time record for one trip!

WARNING! That nice little bottle of rum you want to bring back to Europe from the Caribbean is a no-no.

New security regulations prohibit any liquid being taken into the EU in your hand luggage – even if it is purchased from the Duty Free Shop. This, of course, does not stop the duty free shop from selling it to you. On the other hand, it does provide a nice drop of plonk for the lads at Barajas airport after they confiscate it.

NOTE: Spanish officials do not speak English. They will tell you this even while you are chattering at them in Spanish. Those who know me will be surprised to hear that an English expletive escaped my lips, while my better half was clinging to the other end of the rum bottle, sobbing (after all it did cost $8). Suddenly bilingual, the Spanish official understood this word very well and I was almost carted away in chains. Ergo: It is best to avoid insulting Spanish officials in any language.

In case I forgot to mention it, last month's misery award went to British Airways and London Heathrow Airport.

Attention Readers: This looks like becoming a regular feature, so don't hesitate to submit your own tales of travel woe to see who will be the winner of this year's Misery Award!

Which brings us neatly to India. This is my Cousin Mark. He is wearing what every smart young man-about-town - with a sense of self-preservation - is wearing in Gujerat, India, these days.

If you look closely, you can see the family resemblance.

Mark had a lot to say about his recent stay in Vapi, a town which bears the rare distinction of being the most polluted place on the planet .Here are just a few of the things that pissed him off, in his own words:.

The Indian rail system. The stations smell like open sewers, and in fact some are just that. The rodents are as big as some of the paying customers, and were chewing on my sneakers during my only train trip to Baroda. 

The Indian highway system:  immense traffic jams caused by cows lying in the road. Along with dogs, goats, sheep, and water buffalo, which are very cute in their places... which do not include skinny medians on major highways. And it's illegal to move or even touch dead ones by the side of (or center of) the roadway. Oh yes, major highways - National Highway 8 runs/crawls/limps at least from Mumbai to Ahmedabad, and is still 1 lane each way in many places. 

Of course, in India, lane markings are suggestions only...I have seen more hair-raising driving in the last 72 hours than anyone should experience in a lifetime.

Here's a question sneaked from the current Gujarat driver's test:

Always pass on:

A.  The left
B.  The right
C.  The shoulder
D.  The road, or somewhere near it
E..  A whim.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his ascetic diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

With the price of gas up to over $4 a gallon and rising, now's the time to give this slogan some serious consideration.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a pushover.

You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be a loser and your life won't be worth a shit.

You are overly fond of oral sex (OK, who isn't, but look at your sign, for heaven's sake!), which makes you a pervert. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

This one's for the girls.

Having just done a movie review on Sex & the City – click on Movies to take a look - I thought it time to share some of the things that piss me off about fashion in general and shopping for clothes in particular.

1. Low-rise jeans that slide straight off your ass and take your knickers with them.

2. Low-rise “sports” socks that reach just high enough on the back of your ankle to conflict with your trainers and give you blisters. They are also inclined to slide right off your feet and bunch up in your shoes. What sport does one perform in these socks?

3. String panties or “tangas” as they like to call them in Germany. Best defined as anal dental floss.

4. Ludicrous shoes – like these “high rise” boots on the left t – straight from China - probably because Chinese ladies are so short..

5. Buying the right size. Clothes + shoe sizes seem to differ dramatically depending on country of manufacture or place of purchase. A UK shoe size 4 ½ is a 7 in the US, a 37 in Germany and a 23 ½ in Japan. 

But you don’t even have to change countries to have problems. A pair of size 36 slacks were just right in Esprit, but too tight at H&M where I needed a 38, but miles too large in C&A where a 34 was just right.  So work that one out.

DUBAI - Before and After! 

And before wasn't all that long ago either.  An interesting place Dubai: unlimited prosperity and frantic growth.  I visit the place about once every 5 years or so, just to giggle at the skyline and gawp at the economic progress. Dubai is ever expanding: upwards, downwards, sideways, inland , offshore; every which way.

A tourist paradise; a luxury shopping mall with sand round it - New York meets Disneyland in the desert - who am I to whinge about such apparent wealth and progress?

At a mild 36 degrees C - bear in mind it was only spring - in summer temperatures soar into the high 50s - you spend most of your time scuttling from one air-conditioned location to another. Mostly luxury hotels and shopping malls. I have never seen so many luxury shopping malls crammed into such a small area - and more are under construction. But this is understandable, I guess, because shopping is the national sport. (Dubai even hosts an annual Shopping Festival every Jan/Feb).

And you can find some real bargains too! A solid gold Rolex that would cost you $50,000 anywhere else, costs only $48,500 here!

But say what you will, it's got one helluva beach!  

  You can't visit a Petro-country like Dubai without touching upon the rising price of gasoline. Now up to $4 a gallon, this illustration  says it all.

As you can see, these bunnies are dropping like flies! .

Should this not be depressing enough, more macabre bunny suicides can be found in THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES by Andy Riley, published by Hodder & Stoughton (ISBN 0340828994). 

Sort oflike the Guiness Book of Records for Rabbits. 

Now that I'm back home in the Fatherland, I can finally pig out on some healthy German food!

This is known as a "currywurst". A sausage covered in curry powder and loads of glop.

Usually accompanied with "German" fries drowned in mayonnaise. I actually watched in horror as a friend of mine consumed one of these. 

And for dessert! 

Despite the occasional fast food lapse - Vive la difference!

And many thanks to British composer John Hawkins for pointing this out.

I should think you've had about enough for this month. Tune in next time round, when I'll be introducing you to my Cousin Mark the scientist, who has just returned from the most polluted place on the planet (in Gujerat, India) where he has been doing whatever it is he does in places like that. He survived to tell the tale and has plenty to share with us.

So ta-ta, stay well, keep that smile on your face and don't forget - all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB May 31, 2008

Yes, Spring is sprung, the grass is riz,

I wonder where that tortoise is!

 It's that time of year when we take the tortoise out of its straw-filled box in the garage and set it out on the lawn to romp.

And this one was really going at our garden party last Sunday. It ate 3 tomato sandwiches and went through a whole pack of cigarettes. 

I'm trying to get it to stop smoking. 

I’ve tried every conceivable way to give up smoking:

Ear Acupuncture, where they stick a long needle into one ear and pull it out through the other. I found it so unnerving that I had to light up immediately.

A girlfriend (thanks, Debbie) recommended these pills that make you throw up every time you have a cigarette. After much practise, I can now puke and smoke at the same time.

A few months back, a colleague of mine – who claims to have been abducted by aliens a number of times (I don’t know if it was the same aliens, but they don’t seem to keep him for long) from the Mojave Desert (not the aliens, that’s where he was abducted from) - took me to a somewhat esoteric quit-smoking-therapist down in San Diego.I focused all my willpower (I don’t have a great deal), while gripping two metal electrode things (like the Scientologists use) for about half an hour, chanting “I will not smoke. I will not smoke.” After paying him $500, he gave me a complimentary bottle of “Pure Organic Noni Juice – Certified Kosher and Vegetarian” to sip, whenever I got the urge. It's tastes great while you're smoking. (FYI: This is otherwise known as “Organic Tahitian Morinda Citrifolia”).

Nicotine patches. These work – but only if you stick them over your mouth.

Sad news has just come in of another bunny suicide.

 There is a particularly vicious species of Pongo at large that recently attached one of my readers.

Beware! Do not mess with wild Pongos!

(June, please let me know how the finger graft worked out.)

So with this warning, it's adieu from me till next month, for some funky new products, lifestyle tips and general tacky observations on the ironies of life.

I'm off to Dubai at the weekend, so no doubt I'll have plenty of absurdities to share when I get back from the desert.

If you want to know what I'm really up to, check out my professional website: Geraldine

Meanwhile, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

Geraldine B.  May 9, 2008 

Instead of a turkey, here's a camel.

The Germans have a great expression for it, they call it a "Kaffeefahrt" to describe a sort of promotional cost-free - or almost - holiday, where you are shuttled round to various factories and showrooms in the hopes that you will buy something at (ostensibly) bargain prices. In our case, it was a "Moccafahrt", but in between admiring hand-woven carpets, leather goods, handmade lace and expensive jewelery (none of which we bought, needless to say), we had a really good time and saw some wonderful sights (click on My Travels for some personal pix).

I actually found very little that pissed me off. And believe me, I was looking.

  Apart from the  medical risks involved in smoking - you only have to look at European cigarette packets warning us that  "Smoking kills" and  "Smokers die younger", as well as a litany of all the other horrible things it can lead to, like impotence, infertility,bad breath, smelly feet, to name but a few - smoking is totally "out".

It is no longer cool to smoke!!!

But this wasn't always the case.

And who am I to argue with all those Camel-smoking doctors?

It wasn't all that long ago when we were bombarded with ads like this.

According to the latest US medical reports, chronic PED (or Post Easter Depression) is on the rise, and in some cases can even last until Christmas!

Easter bunnies are particularly prone, and have begun using nicotine as a means of combating this insidious complaint - often with fatal results.

Last month's Electric Martini Maker was so popular that readers have asked me to recommend more unusual gifts.

Here's a little something I picked up in a weird shop in New York and just couldn't resist. Unfortunately, I still can't find anyone to give it to. 

Please note: This is not your average, run-of-the-mill rubber chicken.

As featured on the NBC TV series "30 Rock", this is a Deluxe Rubber Chicken! 

It says so on the label.

This month's Pongo is from Turkey, where every vegetable is in danger of getting stuffed.

So it's ta-ta from me until next month, with lots more trivia.
And don't forget, all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

Geraldine B

If it's not coming at us on the phone or out of the TV, then it's on the Internet, happily clogging up your Spam Folder. I got 3 emails in rapid succession, offering me some unbelievable opportunities!

The first was a WINNING NOTIFICATION from Mr. James Keegan of The National Lottery (sent from a hotmail address), announcing that I had just won a total of 1,532,720 GBP from the UK National Lottery online draw no. 1147!  And I hadn't even purchased a lottery ticket! All he needed was my name, address and, of course, my bank account details...

The very next day, I got an email from Mr. Thomas James, (yahoo.uk) ostensibly from Portugal, sadly notifying me that he had just been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and only has a few months to live. A very rich man, he goes on to say that he regrets the wicked life he has led and to make amends wishes to donate $10 million to various charity organizations. Unfortunately, he cannot trust his family to collect and distribute these funds on his behalf, but has asked me - as he is obviously assured of my great, albeit anonymous, integrity - to assist him in this task. For which I get to keep 5%. Sounded like a load of hassle to me and, as I had just won over a million quid in the national lottery, I obviously didn't bother to reply.

But good things often come in threes. So it was with me, for the very next day, I got yet another email. This one from Mr. Michael Larson (gmail), who supposedly works in the packaging and courier dept. of London's HSBC Bank. He needs my help in transporting a package containing $20 million USD (in $100 dollar bills) out of the US into Europe. My cut is to be 30%. As I had already won over 1 mill quid in the National Lottery and was also expecting 5% of $10 mill for my charity work, I didn't respond.  

And now, today, of all things, Julia Manda, Lottery Coordinator of HOT LOTTO (return email address: Johnykage2004@yahoo.com) has also sent me a winner notification announcing that I have just won $5.61 million on the Multi-state Lottery New Year Promo (once again, I had not even purchased a ticket), and it is waiting for me in the unclaimed winnings category Hot Ball 2. The sum will be transferred to me upon my meeting their "requirements".

I might just check this one out. At the same time as ordering a "wonder penis extension" (let's face it, mine could do with being a bit longer) and getting back to Natalya, who is offering me a "hot and heavy night to remember"...

Finding the ideal gift can be a real pain.

Here's the perfect present for the man who has everything!

So what happens to the fluffy little bunnies after the holidays? After they have had their 15 mins. of fame and glory?

According to a recent survey, many of them fall into a deep depression and simply lose the will to live. 

Although some of them just fade away, others have found more inventive ways of shuffling off this mortal coil.

Geraldine B

 Now that Mike Huckabee is out of the presidential race, Chuck Norris can finally get back to his true calling - teaching us all how to defend ourselves and – “unleashing the warrior within” as spokesman for The Total Gym.

To help tighten up your "abs", "bis", "tris", "quads" "pecs", and any other monosyllabic muscle groups (hips, tits, butts?) that need toning. Great to have you back, Chuck! 

 And while we're on the subject of politics and Chuck Norris, let's not forget what this guy stands for.

So keep it up, Chuck!

This brings us to something that pisses us off our reader Sam Jones (TV editor and musician). Namely ads that make you dial letters instead of numbers. He can never find them on the phone. Neither can I.

But worst of all has got to be the "Telephone Trees" which royally pisses off composer Michael Levine.

You know the drill: "Press 1 - if you want to extend your contract, Press 2 - if you want to order a new product. If you’re schizophrenic - press 1 AND 2. If you want to buy some marijuana - please press the hash key," etc. There is NEVER a number to press for your specific needs, which is why you are calling the buggers in the first place, so you can talk to a real person.

I recently went through the 5-step procedure when attempting to change a flight reservation with US Airways, who kept me hanging on for 45 mins. while bombarding me with pre-recorded commercials: A US Airways giftcard to "give the gift of wings", the beauty of Brussels, the glories of Venice, the joys of Vegas Palazzo Vacations, the gift miles program where I could buy up to 50,000 miles per transaction. Lifelock - the industry leader in ID-theft-protection (10% off and 1,000 bonus miles), and 1,500 miles when you join Netflix. The pitch went round 6 times before the battery on my wireless phone went dead.

 I was so depressed last night I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...

Atli Öravsson (composer) hates taking his shoes off at the airport security checkpoints. Don't we all. We know it’s pointless.

But you can't trust anybody these days.

 I  am, however, glad to report that eyebrow tweezers are no longer considered to be weapons of mass destruction and will not be confiscated by the security people, although toe nail clippers are still a major issue at some airports.

But as I always say, if it wasn't for airport security, I wouldn't have any sex life at all! 

That's it from me this time round. Just want to leave you with some rude vegetation.

 Don't forget - all whining is welcome on

WHAT-PISSES-ME-OFF.com

So let's hear it! 

 Geraldine B 

Late night TV viewing with a beer in one hand and channel zapper in the other can be a dangerous and pricey business, as our anonymous reader writes:

I just bought a complete home gym, a robot vacuum cleaner, a super Swiffer duster, a free mobile phone providing I buy the stainless steel cork screw for $200, a 600-day supply of Ron Hubbard-approved-vitamin-deficiency-syndrome-and-improve-your-acting-skills homeopathic-dietary-supplement, a $199.99 guide to do-it-yourself acupuncture which includes a free one-month Medicare subscription, a self-esteem improvement kit including a "how to give something else up" guide for non-smokers.

And if you can resist the TV-sales channels, there's still no escape.

We get an average 30 calls a day from various telemarketeers punting everything from credit card subscriptions to telephone account upgrades, to how I can pay off my house in 5 to 7 years ( I don't own a house), to an urgent warning that the warranty on my vehicle has expired (I don't own a car).

I even got a call the other day from the National Campaign to Restore Morals and Values (I don't have any of those, either).

tt wouldn't be so bad, but these calls are coming through on my cell phone at a charge of $0.10 a minute per in-coming call!

And not only napkins.

Trash disposal is a big problem for the City of New York, where there just isn’t the space to deposit huge bins in alleyways behind the houses like they do in California.

Certain kinds of refuse must be placed in different color plastic bags (recyclable in blue, bio-degradable stuff goes in clear plastic bags and other sundry waste in big green bags) and then placed on the curbside for collection on specific days.

This regulation must likewise be enforced and there is a whole fleet of city officials to do the job: If you put your trash in the wrong-color bag, an 827 inspector in a blue uniform will write a ticket and stick it on the front of the building. If there is no response, this visit will be followed by an 829 inspector in a green uniform with a peaked cap and brass buttons, who will now issue a violation. If the fine is not paid in time, it generates enormous interest and an 831 inspector in a blue uniform, with a peaked cap, brass buttons, gold epaulettes and an AK-47, will appear to handcuff you to your cash register and haul your ass into court. A whole court system has likewise been set up to administer all this. (Data supplied by Ms. June Taylor) 

  I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.  

That's it from me for now.

Stay tuned to this website for more moaning and whinging about all kinds of irrelevant things.

Just before you log off, have a look at my latest blog - compliments of James Crowe, Kentucky - for some true political absurdity!

And you'll find the latest news about the 80th Academy Awards Ceremony by clicking on 'News and Views'. 

You must have something to whine about - so let's hear it!

All whining is welcome on:

WHAT-PISSES-ME-OFF.com

Geraldine B 

My quest for culinary delights took me up the coast to San Francisco last weekend.

This is a view of Treasure Island from the wharf.

The American public spent $1.8 billion on chocolate this Valentine’s Day!

Click here for your free trial of the COLON CURE! Flush away unwanted pounds in seconds.

 Or this rival product pointed out by a reader who prefers to remain anonymous (I wonder why?):

Flush the Fat with "Internal Flush!"

"This consists of a series of treatments to get rid of colon blockage. According to the convincing guy presenting this, we all suffer (unbeknown to us) from our tubes and crevices being lined with waste in various stages of decomposition. He claims that most of us are full of shit and we don't realize it. I had to concur and bought a supply for myself and also sent packages to some of my friends. They have a "turbo" version for bull shitters and an extrovert version for YouTube addiction syndrome. I almost forgot the "dash" version for semi-colons."

Our anonymous reader also has this to say about various medications advertised on TV:

Great ad for ActivOn - apply directly to the knee  - an analgesic supposed to remove symptoms of arthritis.

I called their hotline with some questions and they proudly announced their next product HardOn - apply directly to the foreskin - supposed to remove unwanted stiffness...

And an electronic miniature device called TurnOn - but they wouldn’t divulge the details.

"Don’t let ED slow things down!" Viva Viagra! (sung to the the tune of "Viva Las Vegas").

Possible side effects: Headaches, flushing, skin rash, decrease in vision and/or hearing 

(If I do this, will I go blind?  - Not if you do it just a bit and wear  glasses!).

If you experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours - call me immediately on 555-5555.

 But all in all, San Francisco is a very liberal and tolerant place -  where all races, creeds, colors and religions manage to rub along together quite nicely...

But that's it from me for now.

Stay tuned to this website for the next exciting whinge about toilet paper, junk mail, trash disposal, clothing sizes, as well as the usual gripes about medication and weight loss.

Then there'll be more from my anonymous reader on TV-shopping.

Let's have your input and don't forget - all whining is welcome on

WHAT-PISSES-ME-OFF.com

Geraldine B 

LA - Fourth Week  /  Feb. 2, 2008

A frightening report in yesterday's news announced the nationwide presence of lots of dirty, germ-ridden ATM machines!

Germs are transferred on the keys. So wear rubber gloves when withdrawing cash.

For if there is one thing that inspires more fear out here than Al Qaida, it’s germs. With sanitized wipes for every conceivable surface (walls, floors, kitchen appliances, toilet seats, body parts), and hygienic sprays and gels for everything else. 

 All other things are hermetically sealed: Welded together in heavy plastic, impossible to open without a blow torch or sharp implement. Or a sharper implement than the one inside, like the scissors I bought the other day, which I couldn’t open without a pair of scissors. In fact I nearly did myself some serious damage opening a big bag of blueberry bagels. 

(I wonder if I should file a lawsuit claiming damages for severe mental distress....)

 I know this is something I keep whinging about, but as a tea-drinking Brit, milk is important.

I have spent the last 3 weeks fruitlessly scouring the supermarkets for milk with no additives or anything taken away. 

The broad selection of fat-free, fat-reduced, half-fat, skimmed, lactose-free, calcium and/or vitamin A + D enriched, or soya milk substitutes has forced me to seek another solution. Black coffee. 

 Now I’m having the same problem with butter...

I can't believe they're palming this off as butter.

So that's it from me for this week. If you would like to join in for a whinge, all whining is welcome on

WHAT-PISSES-ME-OFF.com

Geraldine B 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

LA - Second week. Jan 24, 2008

This is what Santa Monica looks like. Or did until a few days ago, when it started teeming down.

...But for those who persevere, there are some fine delicacies to be found. You just have to know where to look.

 Having come to grips with our HD-digital-Sat-galactic-TV-receiver, I am proud to report that I can now get 42,876 channels.

A paradise for zappers, as programs run for about 30 seconds before being interrupted for a 20-minute block of commercials:mainly for fast food or medication.

 Prescription meds to ensure weight loss are a big deal and these ads are invariably preceded by food commercials with gruesome close-ups of something disgusting (i.e. burger, pizza, submarine sandwich, KFC) with 30 million calories and dripping with 4 different kinds of melted cheese.

So that's it from me for now. I'll be back next week with more of  WHAT PISSES ME OFF!

And don't forget: When life gets tough -  Fukitol!

Geraldine B