Geraldine Blecker

And it’s a Happy New Year to you all from me and M.S.O. (My Significant Other) in our new home, where we have spent the holiday season unpacking boxes, shifting furniture - and obviously pooping snow cones - although we did spot some rather innovative, albeit economical, Xmas decorations around town this year:

:

But at least we didn’t have to fly anywhere….

China’s Shandong Airlines gets some special misery points this month for getting their passengers to actually get out of the aircraft, roll their socks up and help push the crate during a recent mechanical failure. These are just the first class passengers, mind. Coach class is tugging away beneath the surface. I’d like to see Lufthansa try and get away with this! 

However, this month’s Airline Misery Award, has to go to Northwest Airlines (or its new owner Delta), after the botched Xmas day suicide attack on NWA flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, with 290 on board. The incident occurred around noon, when 23-year old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian national with suspected al-Qaida affiliations, tried to blow up the plane with a chemical incendiary device he had smuggled on board. Fortunately, he was quickly subdued by passengers and crew, who managed to extinguish the flames in time. Officials are investigating just how he had managed to get explosives on board in the first place, despite heightened global security controls since 9/11.

Wise, as always, after the event, it was reported that US authorities had known of the bomber’s terrorist connections for over a month, after his own father, concerned about his son’s extremist behavior, had alerted them in November. Nevertheless, Abdulmutallab, a former engineering student at University College, London, was allowed to board the Detroit-bound Northwest flight from Amsterdam with an explosive device strapped to his body. Alarm bells should have sounded a week earlier, when he bought a ticket in cash (for $2,831) at the KLM office in Accra, Ghana, to fly from Lagos to Detroit via Schiphol; and should have rung even more loudly when he checked in without any luggage. Buying a ticket in a third country, paying cash, and traveling without any baggage should have alerted somebody.

But the failed attack has nonetheless resulted in worldwide airport misery, as further, more stringent security measures are implemented: bomb-sniffing dogs, extensive frisking, and horrendously long lines and delays. Passengers have reported that they now have to remove everything from their handbags and pockets (including Kleenex), and have been barred from using any electronic devices, or even getting out of their seats to visit the toilet during the last hour of flight.

The US and British governments are seriously toying with the idea of installing pre-boarding, “naked” body scanners, which should make air travel even more delightful. The scanners, while allowing security personnel to spot any weapons or explosives hidden beneath clothing, also reveal breast implants, false limbs, piercings, and clear outlines of genitalia. Which should at least help them to stay awake, I suppose.

But despite ignoring warnings given well in advance, there must be some simpler ways of spotting a terrorist at the airport, surely?

These recent events have impelled the British to raise their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even A BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME to a BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government also announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed the country's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing its military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY & EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING. Two more levels remain: INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS. Their only higher levels are: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and LOSE.

What with the Golden Globes, Sundance, the BAFTAs and the Academy Awards ceremonies on the horizon, it is definitely Awards Season. Here are some other, lesser known awards events that you definitely won’t be seeing on TV.

 THE SMELLY SNEAKER AWARD

The Smelly Sneaker Contest began in 1975 to boost  shoe sales at a local sporting goods store and blossomed into a national event in 1988, when Odor-Eaters assumed sponsorship. Since then, it has fermented into the ultimate test of the degree of offensiveness that can be generated by a kid's sneakers. Footwear is judged on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and, most importantly, odor, by a panel.

Fifteen-year-old Ben Russell, from Alaska, and his decrepit and malodorous size 7 Nike's won the 33rd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest, in Montpelier, VT. He beat seven other contestants, from Michigan, Utah, Georgia, California, New Jersey, Vermont and New Mexico, to take home the grand prize of $2,500. He might even use some of it to buy a new pair of sneakers.

THE STELLA AWARDS

The Stella Awards are granted to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after Stella Liebeck who spilled a cup of McDonalds coffee onto her lap in 1992, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9 million in damages, which was subsequently reduced by the court to $640,000, though she later settled with McDonalds for an undisclosed amount.

The last winner of the True Stella Award was Roy L. Pearson Jr., a 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC, who claimed that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his trousers, so he sued the small, family business for more than $65 million. Representing himself, Judge Pearson bemoaned the loss of his pants in the courtroom, but failed to move the Superior Court judge, who called the case “vexatious litigation,” berated Pearson for his conduct, and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. Pearson, however, filed an appeal: The case is still pending.

 THE DARWIN AWARDS 

Named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, the Darwin Award is an honor, posthumously granted, to those who “do a service to humanity by accidentally removing themselves from the gene pool” - in a sublimely idiotic fashion.

Some examples of Darwin award winners include: Jumping out of a plane to film skydivers without wearing a parachute (US,1987); Trying to get enough light to look down the barrel of a loaded muzzleloader gun using a cigarette lighter (US, 1996); Attempting to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol that automatically loads the next round into the chamber, etc..

The most recent winner was “The Enema Within”, where a man died of alcohol poisoning after inserting two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry into his rectum.

Weight is certainly a problem just after the Christmas holidays, when we’ve been stuffing ourselves senseless.So with your needs in mind, I’ve been looking into some brand new diets that are taking Beverly Hills by storm. Here’s are the top two.

 THE HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET 

Designed by Dr. Sanford Siegal, the Hollywood Cookie Diet is based on a carefully crafted recipe which suppresses hunger. You eat only one meal a day, supper, which should consist of 6 ounces of chicken, turkey or seafood.

So, what about the cookies? Not intended to replace a meal, you nibble on those whenever you get peckish and need to eat at least six a day (washing them down with at least eight glasses of water) for the diet to be effective. The one meal and six cookies amount to 800 calories, which is the point of the whole exercise.

  THE LIP GLOSS DIET 

 “Always on the lips. Never on the hips,” is the slogan advertising Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss, which claims to contain active ingredients that curb the appetite, speed the metabolism, and boost energy levels. This is down to the wondrous new plant extract SuperCitrimax, which supposedly keeps hunger pangs at bay and stops the body converting carbohydrates into fat.

On the other hand, some bloke in the UK lost 140 lb by only eating baked beans!

 In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

With this fact in mind, here are our final two Yoga vs.drinking positions:

 Ananda Balasana: This position is ideal for improving suppleness of the ankles and back muscles.

Malasana or the Pigeon: Tones the body, builds flexibility and helps minimize stress.

WARNING! People who perform the above exercise regularly have a tendency to poop on cars!

Then again, let's not forget that banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour!

So It's ta-ta from me for another year.

2009 has been a lousy year for everybody, so don't tell me you've got nothing to bitch about.

Share it with the rest of us on www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  December 30, 2009

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This is my favorite holiday of the year - when we can give free reign to our fantasies, dress up like zombies, spooks and vampires, and merrily go trick-or-treating.

Or just wander around scaring the shit out of everybody.

There are some amazing parties going on all over the place, or you can just stay home and watch horror movies, carving weird stuff into pumpkins.

Or maybe even bake a creepy cake for the kids:

             As for me, I'm dusting off the old broomstick and making it flight-worthy.

Let’s face it, it’s probably a safer and more efficient form of transport than, say, flying with a US airline…

Two US airlines are hot contenders for this month’s Airline Misery Award.

On Monday, October 19, 2009, at 6:05 a.m. Delta Air Lines flight 60 from Rio de Janeiro to Atlanta landed on taxiway M at Atlanta Hartsfield Airport after being cleared to land on runway 27R. No injuries to any of the 182 passengers or 11 crew members were reported. According to reports, an airman in the cockpit apparently got sick and had to be relocated to the passenger cabin, which doesn’t really explain the false landing. “The pilot and co-pilot were relieved of active flying pending the completion of the investigations", said a Delta spokesman.

But even better than missing the runway was Northwest Airlines flight 188 from San Diego to Minneapolis, which managed to entirely miss the airport by 150 miles on Wednesday, October 21, 2009, finally touching down at its destination over an hour late. Explanation?

"The crew stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and lost situational awareness."

 I may have given you all the impression over the last few months that it is only the Brits who go in for weird and wacky extreme sporting events. But this demented masculine behavior is by no means restricted to the rainy island - or to Halloween, either.

Some strenuous stuff took place on the European mainland this summer, where men proved they were men. 

 The World Sauna Championship takes place every August in Heinola, Finland. Started in 1999, contestants from over 20 countries now take part and have to sign a form agreeing not to take legal action. Competitors must sit it out in a 110° F sauna where a half liter of water is added every 30 seconds. They must sit erect with thighs and buttocks firmly on the seat. They must maintain in an upright position, and are not allowed to touch any surface with hands and forearms, which must remain on their knees. The one who sits it out the longest is the winner. Current record holder is Bjarne Hermansson, who held out for 18.15 minutes last year.

 Finland is also the scene of the annual SWAMP SOCCER CHAMPIONSHIP! For those who find regular soccer too tame and not messy enough, knee-deep mud suddenly makes it a whole new ball-game... (photo courtesy of Camera Crew Germany)

Meanwhile played all over Europe, this year’s UNDERWATER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIP took place in Germany, where it originated in diving clubs. Played by 2 teams of 11 players in a swimming pool about 4m deep, the goal is to get the ball (filled with saltwater) into the opponent’s heavy metal bucket at the bottom of the pool.

Exercise is good for the body and good for the soul - especially when you can replace it with drinking. Having given up jogging when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire, these exercises have proved to be the perfect alternative. Here are another 3 beneficial Yoga positions that you can perform in, or outside, your favorite watering hole.

Marjayasana: Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Halasana: Excellent for back pain and insomnia

  Sal ambhasana: Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

According to The Wall Street Journal, Compaq is considering changing the command PRESS ANY KEY to PRESS RETURN KEY because of the flood of calls asking where the ANY KEY is. It should, of course, be located right next to the FUCK IT key.

A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by soaking it for a day in hot, soapy water, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer apparently "couldn't find printer", despite having turned the computer screen to face the printer.

Sometime later this year, US taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
5 Tattoos.

These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

So, I suggest you go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale.(Many thanks to June Taylor for passing this on).

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

(Mark Twain)

And if life seems bleak, just remember: In only two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

Meanwhile,  check out the following link to our new GOSSIP podcast for some live bitching from me and my best buddy Linda Rocco. Complete with embarrassing snapshots spanning the decades and some truly tasteless musical accompaniment by my significant other (Howard Scarr, who prefers to remain anonymous) - who also spliced it together:

Gossip: Slaves to Fashion

Don't tell me you've got nothing to moan about.

Come on, share it with the rest of us on www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  October 28, 2009

 Well, we had a great time in the UK visiting friends and family. And, surprisingly enough, the weather didn’t turn out to be too nasty either. Good for all those competing in some more of the weird and wonderful outdoor events I managed to catch while I was over there. In fact, I even took part in one of them…

 Here I am, having a ball at the UK MOBILE PHONE THROWING CHAMPIONSHIP.. Begun in 2004, this year’s event was held at the Battersea Park Athletics Track. Anyone can enter and the rules are simple: just hurl the wretched thing as far as you can. They’ll even give you a phone to throw, if you don’t have one of your own that pisses you off sufficiently. (For more on this event, see www.8thdayuk.com).

And it was much cleaner and more comfortable than trying to beat the world record in BOG SNORKELLING!

 This takes place every August 27 in the Welsh town of Llanwrtyd Wells (say that with a mouth full). Competitors must snorkel through reeking swamps and oozing mud for two lengths of a 60-yard trench that has been cut through a peat bog. Competitors may wear snorkels and flippers (wet suits are optional), but conventional swimming strokes are not allowed.

As they did recently for George Farthing, an expatriate Brit living in America, who was diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realized he wasn't depressed at all - only British.

Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams. "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Psychotherapist Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team that never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as
pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly colored leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

And here he is again by popular demand to answer readers' questions: It’s everybody’s favorite Oriental physician, Dr. Chang. His medical advice has become so popular it’s hard to keep up with his fan mail.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Dr. Chang: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

Dr. Chang: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

 Is chocolate bad for me? 

 Dr. Chang: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

 Dr. Chang: Hey! “Round” is a shape!

Bet you didn't know that a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, increase your productivity and make your employer happy!

William Anthony, co-author of The Art of Napping at Work - this is no joke, this guy actually bothered to write a book about the topic and even got it published, (Larson Publications, 1999). His co-author seems to have had the good sense to remain anonymous!

Anyway, according to Mr. Anthony, the post-nap boost can last for several hours. In addition, your heart apparently reaps benefits.

In a six-year study of Greek adults, researchers found that men who took naps at least three times a week had a 37% lower risk of coronary-related death.

I don't suppose this had anything to do with the fact that those same Greek men didn't pig out on fatty foods washed down with plenty of beer like many of their US counterparts.

Then, don't forget, 43,7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

78% of those same researchers confirmed in a ten minute study that drinking alcohol actually gives you the same benefits as doing yoga! And here is the proof!!

SAVASANA: Position of total relaxation

 BALASANA: Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

 

Once again It’s back to Japan for some of the weirdest and twisted new products on the market. With the welfare of our little ones in mind, this month we’re introducing some educational dolls.

In the 18th and 19th centuries, sideshow carnivals known as "misemono" were a popular form of entertainment for the sophisticated residents of Edo (present-day Tokyo).

The sideshows featured a plethora of educational and entertaining attractions designed to evoke a sense of wonder and satisfy a deep curiosity for the mysteries of life. One popular attraction was the PREGNANT DOLL.

Although it is commonly believed that these dolls were created primarily to teach midwives how to deliver babies, evidence suggests they were also used for “entertainment”.

One of the most demented playthings ever devised must be this super hairy SHAVE THE BABY doll, pictured here on the right.

Created with added bushy tufts of bright ginger hair protruding from her ankles, armpits, and most disturbingly, her pubic region, kids are supposed to enjoy shaving it off.

In comparison, the new ORIGAMI TOILET PAPER (below) is pretty tame and will provide hours of fun and edu-tertainment for the whole family.

Forgotten that Sports Illustrated or serious newspaper? Don’t despair! With Origami TP you can spend hours on the pot, learning new paper-folding techniques

This says it all.

I would leave you this month with the following words of wisdom:

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Likewise, when everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

You must have plenty of gripes. Let's hear 'em. Whining welcome anytime on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  October 3, 2009

Celebrating the ancient rivalry between Lancashire and Yorkshire, the Black Pudding (also known as “blood pudding”) Hurling Contest - held at the Royal Oak pub in Ramsbottom, Lancs. - attracts spectators from all over the world. The aim is to heave a Black Pudding, 'swaddled' in a pair of ladies tights, at a wall full of Yorkshire puddings. The winner has to eat everything.

The Extreme Ironing World Championship began in Leicester in 1997 and has been getting progressively more dangerous ever since. The official Extreme Ironing Bureau, (no joke!) describes the sport as: "An outdoor activity that combines the danger and excitement of an extreme sport with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt.”  For those wanting to take part, just grab your ironing board and a bag of laundry and take them to some weird location: a ski slope, flash flood, the eye of a hurricane, a tidal wave; or on holiday when you go wind surfing, canoeing, bungee jumping, etc. There’s even a calendar published by Avalanche Publishing.

More than a century old, the dangerous sporting event of Cheese Rolling takes place every year on Cooper’s Hill, Gloucester. An 8-10 lb. wheel of cheese is rolled down the very steep hill and contestants go tearing after it. However, as the cheese can reach speeds of up to 70 mph, it is rarely caught and there are always lots of injuries. First to the bottom wins the cheese. Attempts to ban the event have failed.

 Gold medal winner Caster Semenya is furious at having to take a gender test.

She said, "After my success on the track, this comes as a right kick in the bollocks!"

And here’s more from Dr. Chang, to clear up some of those misconceptions we may have about health, diet and exercise.

How can I calculate my body-fat ratio?

Dr. Chang: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Dr. Chang: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Are fried foods bad for you?

Dr. Chang: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Is swimming good for your figure?

Dr. Chang: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Can’t afford new swim-wear? Here’s a fresh way to turn around that old bathing suit, a real attention-grabber at the beach.

For those of us “on the go”, Dr. Chang recommends some nourishing, fast-food delicacies from his homeland. Guaranteed to keep you slim. Just pop the lid and tuck in!

Canned Silk Worm Pupae. Delicious on toast. Or Roasted Crickets - with eggs.

The average person expels flatulence 14 times a day!

This means I know a lot of above-average people

Why relax when you could be sweeping the floor? Here’s a new product that’s sweeping the nation - and lets you do both at the same time!

The brand new CLEANING SLIPPERS from Slipper Genie. A big hit with busy, US housewives, the slippers have just hit the German market.

And this GIANT REMOTE CONTROL below is really super. No more squinting at those tiny little buttons. You can set this thing on the coffee table and change channels with your elbow, or any appendage of your choice.

And you can use both products at once - like me!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

You are the logical type and hate disorder.

Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers.

You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while shagging.

Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

I would leave you this month with some words of wisdom from my friend Jayney Klimek:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or hump it - just piss on it and walk away!

There must be plenty of stuff cheesing you off. So let's hear it. All whining is welcome  on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  August 29, 2009

This is what one of our more creative local grafitti artists has to say about it all..

 These are the feet that are the reason for my discontent. One of them is still pointy and triangular. And it’s going to stay that way.The other little blighter has had me hobbling around on crutches for the last six weeks.

!

 And it’s footwear like this that is the cause of my sorrow!! Ladies, be warned! 

But while we’re sort of on the subject of medical care, hospitals and health in general, here is some news from the American Medical Association and its members’ comments on President Obama’s proposed health care reforms:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The Pathologists yelled, “Over our dead bodies!” while the Pediatricians thought everybody should just grow up.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons wanted to put a whole new face on the matter.

The Podiatrists considered it a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anaesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

So, what with one thing and another, I’m inclined to put my faith in Chinese Medicine. And here is Dr. Chang, available to answer questions for all my readers.    

Is is true that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life?

Dr. Chang: Your heart is only good for so many beats - and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?

Dr. Chang: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after so many conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is obviously what kills you.

My pal Justin Lucas had a nightmare trip to report flying ALITALIA from Berlin to Mumbai with a stopover in Milan - where the plane sat for 6 hours on the runway due to a technical glitch. All the passengers were finally hauled off the aircraft and forced to wait another 11 hours in the airport before continuing the outbound journey on another plane.

The return flight was apparently no better. The aircraft sat on the Mumbai runway, making 6 false starts (each time blowing a fuse for the auxiliary power) before it finally took off and landed in Berlin with no further mishap.

Our old favorite, UNITED AIRLINES has this pretty solid reputation for trashing baggage, especially when marked “fragile”.

Check out this link for singer/songwriter Dave Carroll’s sad (and very funny) tale of his busted Taylor guitar.  United breaks guitars

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

You think yourself a natural born leader, but you’re actually just an arrogant shit.

Everyone thinks you’re a conceited asshole and a bully.

You talk too much and are allergic to criticism.

And here's another depressing thought:

Some days you're the bug and others the windshield.

But enough bitching from me for another month.

Let's hear what cheeses you off.

Remember - all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com

 Geraldine LB  August 1, 2009

(Many thanks to John Hawkins , June Taylor, Jayney Klimek for lots of this month's funnies!)

 And it’s a Happy Independence Day to you all. Especially to my American readers!

As for us Brits, we traditionally celebrate 4^th July by flushing a teabag down the toilet.

And here we are doing that very thing.

And while we're on the subject, suicide is never easy.

But the brand new Office Assistant from Microsoft’s Office 2009 will help you draft that suicide note you’ve been grappling with.

I was taken to task by reader Kai Mickley for my geographic inaccuracies about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Azerbaijan as a Caucasus Republic, for example, is indeed part of Europe. Apparently all countries that are members of the EBU (European Broadcasting Union, with their own broadcasting network) are eligible to take part. This includes Turkey, Israel and all of North Africa and even The Vatican, if it chose to be so tasteless. Morocco used to be a regular contestant back in the 70s and obviously as the first nation to realize the sheer degrading uselessness of it all, ceased taking part, while Lebanon withdrew at short notice last year due to the Israeli conflict. Apparently the only country officially excluded is Lichtenstein, as it is without its own radio station.

Slobogostan and Lower Zscernwcysk had to withdraw at the last minute this year due to the outbreak of war: Lower Zscernwcysk wanting to reunite with Upper and Southwest Zscernwcysk, which Slobogostan could not allow. This has resulted in a serious drop in the Slotnik, which is now trading at 185 million to the Euro. But what does all this really mean in American terms?

 (And many thanks to Martha Duff for pointing this out)

Hot on the heels of voting for Germany’s next Top Model, Pop Idol, Best Survivor, Worst Driver, Lousiest Mechanic, Fattest Viewer, Best Inventor, together with reality shows focusing on Wife Swapping, Home Redecorating, gay guys dressing straight dudes, and various coaches and counsellors tormenting juvenile delinquents live on TV, among a plethora of others equally mindless if not downright sadistic, Germany’s TV networks have just launched some choice new product. Here are the “top” three exciting new programs:

Germany’s VOX network deserves some special brownie points for the sheer extraneousness of its latest casting show TOP CUT - in search of the next superstar hairdresser.

This is not a joke. 15 Crimpers compete before a jury of their utterly obscure and cretinous peers  from the hairdressing world, as pictured here on the right.

Nor is RTL - who has a lot to answer for after inflicting BIG BROTHER on Europe - dragging its feet in the casting show frenzy. The network’s latest offering, “Mission Hollywood” offers 12 young actresses the chance to compete for a role in one of the upcoming sequels in the “Twilight” film franchise. Contestants “have to go through the motions of the real job” of an actress, such as doing stunts, re-enacting movie scenes from such films as “Dirty Dancing” and “9 1/2 Weeks” and, needless to say, taking their clothes off.

The show’s host Til Schweiger (one of Germany’s "biggest” stars) and acting coach Bernhard Hiller serve as permanent judges, joined every week by a third and equally obscure juror. Famous guests include lots more people you’ve never heard of.

But public broadcaster ZDF, after choosing pop idols and top models, is not to be outdone and its latest show  "Ich kann Kanzler" ("I can be Chancellor") hosted by Steffen Seibert, takes the cake,  actually offering winners the chance to run the country.

Viewers can watch the cheap and cheesy videos submitted by six finalists, who outline their political agendas. Current favourite is 18-year old Delano Osterbrauck of Munich - who bears a startling resemblance to Barack Obama - and spouts meaningful slogans like "Harness the strengths of all our citizens."

40 out of the 2,500 contestants were selected to come to Bonn, where each one made a brief speech in the old Bundestag (German Parliament) before a panel of 3 judges composed of a politician, a TV talk show host, and a comedienne: All superbly qualified, I’m sure you will agree, to choose the next government leader in the country’s forthcoming elections on September 27. 

But neither Germany nor ZDF can claim the dubious honor of creating this program. Patterned after CBC’s "Canada's Next Great Prime Minister,” it evolved from an essay contest, has been airing for three years and turned out to be a surprise hit. So this is something we can definitely blame on Canada, who have been selling the concept around the world. Germany's version is to be followed by Australia and Britain. Will the crap never end?

As the TV networks obviously seem to be scraping the barrel here, I thought of a few new concepts for tasteless shows that would provide terrific entertainment.

Germany’s Best Undertaker - with spin-offs like: Best Funeral Makeup, Europe’s Top Porno Star, Super Slut, and Paedophile of the Month.

.(June 23 - July 22)

You are kind, caring and compassionate, so people walk all over you.

You get lots of emails asking you for money.

Although relatively ambitious, everything you touch turns to shit.

You are a sexual pervert and in constant danger of getting arrested.

 And once again, it’s the latest from Japan!

In case you were wondering, these posteriors are actually screen-printed onto the skirts!

But why pay extra, when you can let your own ass hang out?

There’s not much amusement value I can contribute about the airlines this month and can only suggest that we travellers do our best to avoid the Airbus. 

Two of them have gone down in less than four weeks, the most recent being the Yemenia Yemen Airways Airbus A310 (Flight Y626) en route from Sana’a in Yemen to the Comoros Islands, which crashed in the Indian Ocean on June 30, with only one survivor out of the 142 passengers and 11 crew onboard. Although bad weather is believed to have been the main cause of the crash, serious concerns about this particular aircraft were raised by French transport authorities following safety checks in 2007. But, as always, it takes a true disaster to get anybody’s attention. The A310 went into service 19 years ago and had accumulated 51,900 flight hours. Basically, it should not still have been in the air.

Turbulence is also purported to be one of the major causes of the June 1 crash of Air France Flight 447 - an Airbus A330 - in the Atlantic, en route from Rio to Paris, resulting in the loss of 228 lives; although no one will probably know for sure as the black boxes are unlikely ever to be found.

French investigators have said, however, that the airspeed sensors had been feeding inconsistent readings to the cockpit. Conflicting airspeed data can cause the autopilot to shut down and in extreme cases, the plane to stall or fly dangerously fast, possibly causing a high-altitude break-up. But this is still conjecture. Airbus and Air France have said that there is no firm evidence linking the speed monitors and the crash. Air France has upgraded all sensors on its long-haul fleet as a precautionary measure after protests from pilots.

“There’s really no link between these two accidents,” said an Airbus spokesman. As well he might.

But enough from me for another month. As the global employment market seems to be going down the toilet, I thought this cartoon was appropriate.

No matter how tacky your job - be glad you've still got one!

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   July 3, 2009

(Many thanks this month to Jayney Klimek for providing the Japanese innovations!)

 As you can see from these shots of the city centre, downtown Frankfurt is coming along nicely and at the present rate of construction, should be ready to welcome shoppers sometime within the next decade.

 If you look closely at the 2^nd photo, you will see a rare sight: a solitary worker (with an orange vest) on the far left.

But all in all, Frankfurt has a realistic attitude towards the current economic crisis.

But for those of us who still have some cash to invest and are determined to see the present financial meltdown as an unexpected opportunity, here are some useful definitions for the amateur investor:

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. 

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor: Day trader who's locked up in a nut house.
Liquidity - Liquid, i.e. alcohol, plus stupidity. The necessary qualifications for investing in Internet stocks.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants when the market crashes.

Standard & Poor: Your life in a nut shell.
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Straddle - What you do to celebrate after launching your own IPO (involves two French girls and a lot of champagne)

This month's airline misery award - at least for XXL passengers - is an outright win for United Airlines, who is cracking down on the overweight.

According to the airline, passengers who are too large to fit into a single seat, buckle the seatbelt, or unable to put down the armrests, will be forced to buy a second ticket or upgrade to a premium class, where the seats are larger. If a flight is full and an obese passenger is unable to buy another seat, they will be bumped from the flight.

A United spokeswoman told the Chicago Tribune that the airline decided to implement the policy after getting "more than 700 complaints last year from passengers; 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat.'

United employees at Chicago's O'Hare Airport have been told to "be extra vigilant for passengers they deem to be overweight."

Let's face it, they must be difficult to spot!

(news item courtesy of the Huffington Post).

ACAI X 3 - The supplement your body needs!  

The blurb goes on to say:

"Native to the Amazon Rain Forest, this ACAI Berry super food is packed with a combination of antioxidants and amino acids which naturally work together to help the body burn fat more efficiently."

But what's cool is the FREE TRIAL SIZE you get with every order of PEPTOBIMBO: liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception, or DUMBEROL which, when taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in a sudden penchant for country music and tattooed truckers. 

MEDICAL WARNING: This product will make you realize that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.

You are inclined to expect too much for too little, which makes you a cheap bastard.

Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

And from the US, here's a brand new product for those embarrassing male moments.

Yes, guys, It's CRACK SPACKLE.

Watch the live demonstration! (thanks to Sophie Runciman for sharing)

This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.

As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or Armenia, Belarus, Slovenia, Slovakia, Slobogostan, Montenegro, Moldova, Estonia, Upper Bogdavia, Lower Zscrenwcysk, Andorra, to name but a few. If nothing else, the 54th Eurovision Song Contest certainly served as a lesson in geography. I, for one, didn't even know that Israel and Azerbaijan were in Europe!

The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while Georgia was banned on political grounds for entering a song that disparaged Russian prime minister Putin, and the striptease artiste who performed alongside Germany's entry was felt to be in poor taste. This surprised me somewhat, as most of the contestants performed practically naked, which served as an effective distraction from the abysmal quality of the music.

Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.

So in a nutshell, the forecast is Sunni in parts, but mostly Shiite

But enough from me for another month, although I would leave you with this final thought:

When you're feeling down and depressed and wondering just what life is all about, it may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   May 31, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins once again for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

I didn’t manage to wish you all a Happy Easter - what with being on the road from Sea to Shining Sea, with all kinds of communication problems. But I hope all my readers had a jolly and relaxing time. 

I am sad to announce that, once again after the holiday, there have been some further cases of PED on the part of all those fluffy little Easter bunnies, who can’t face the thought of being redundant for another year and just don’t want to live anymore.

As you can see below, some of them have found the most inventive - and gruesome - ways of putting an end to it all.

 (More of this can be found in Andy Riley's THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES published by Holder & Stoughton)

US AIRWAYS is back on top again! There is no doubt that the US airlines in general treat their domestic passengers like scum. In fact, they should change "coach" to "scum" class. That way, there would be no surprises.

US Airways, which is probably no exception, gets some special misery points for imposing extra charges for all baggage - even the first piece ($15) and increasing incrementally from thereon in.

But my recent flight from LAX to Newark, via Philadelphia - no, don’t ask me why! - included some extra misery bonuses: record-breaking officiousness on the part of the flight attendants, the overhead light wouldn’t go out, the seats wouldn’t recline, and in-flight entertainment was non-existent, apart from the occasional bursts of abuse from the aforementioned flight attendants, some of which was mildly amusing. And the aircraft itself was so rickety, we were all just grateful that the old crate stayed in the skyr. So, a total of 50 misery points to US Airways!

While AMERICAN AIRLINES wins 10 plus points for their new cost-cutting strategy. The airline saved $40,000 last year, by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Makes you wonder where they buy their olives.

(Photo courtesy of Joe Lauricella, forwarded by Toni Rocco - thanks, Toni!).

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

No one who knows me well - and admires my elegance and impeccable dress sense - will be surprised to discover that I shop for most of my clothes at these two shops in Manhattan.

Not forgetting the groovy place in SoHo, where I buy my designer toilet paper.

Which I certainly have been using lots of just lately, what with my new weight-loss plan..

Ever since I updated to super-ultra-turbo-high-speed Internet (8,000 GB per nanosecond), everything has slowed down by at least 300%. How do you explain that? I guess this means I’ll have to call "Dave" on the Mumbai helpline for 30 million Rupees a nanosecond.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)

You are practical and persistent.

You have a dogged determination and work like hell.

You prevail in most arguments because you are stubborn and bull-headed, but are basically full of bullshit.

You are an unimaginative idiot.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. It goes downhill from there.

The US government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Reader Phil Holmes reports that casino owner, Chief "Throw-up-the-seven-or-eleven", whom he recently encountered in Palm Springs, has just developed a new invention called the STREAM CATCHER.

Everyone thought this would be an agricultural device, but it turned out to be a urinal. 

Still in Native American tradition, it can be worn as a brooch or on a leather thong around the neck.

Probably a good excuse for me to "butt out" for this month! Tune in next time for more exciting details of my recent US tour and just a few of the things that cheesed me off from Sea to Shining Sea. 

And finally, try to remember, like I do, that when I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend the middle finger and tell them to bite me!

 Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB  April 27, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

And this month’s Airline Misery Award goes to German Lufthansa!

Thanks to Lufthansa’s pitiful service at Frankfurt airport, I was recently able to miss my flight to Berlin while actually standing in line to check in! For me, this was an all-time first and worth at least 100 misery points for the inefficiency, lack of cooperation and downright rudeness of the personnel.

So, imagine my joy 2 weeks later to discover that, according to Lufthansa "general terms of carriage", my return flight had automatically been canceled. Apparently this is standard procedure for passengers who have failed to take the outbound flight. Worth another 100 misery points, at least.

Unfortunately,  these "general terms and conditions" - about 300 pages of tiny print which everyone should read for their own edification - seem to be in direct violation of a ruling by the Frankfurt District Court in 2006, prohibiting an airline’s automatic cancellation of a return flight in just these very circumstances. I think that's worth another 100 misery points, don't you? Which makes Lufthansa our current record holder with a total of 300 misery points!

So, I paid twice for a Frankfurt/Berlin return trip and ended up taking the train. An incredibly comfortable, four-hour trip from city centre to city centre, with no hassle, no security control, no cavity search, coffee delivered to my comfy seat, thanks to the Deutsche Bundesbahn - which I should have considered doing in the first place!

My advice to domestic passengers traveling in Germany? Take the train!!!

It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the US on Feb. 3. One day later, I get a call from American Express, asking if I’d just spent $11,700 in a spa resort in New South Wales, Australia! Nice thought, but needless to say, it wasn’t me. Still, somebody did, courtesy of my Amex card. Now, this card had only been activated six weeks before, never been out of my sight and even I didn’t know the pin code or security number. So how the hell did they do that? Anyway, Amex, as polite and efficient as always, dealt with this matter and in a manner causing me zero personal grief and no financial loss - apart from the initial heart flutter at the news - and made it right.

About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)

Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.

So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.

Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?

”Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain)

I thought I'd pass on this notification from Adobe. 

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.

You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice.

You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with.

You are an asshole.

 And for those born on February 29^th of a leap year, there’s a special astrological sign.

 Feces (Feb. 29) 

As you only have a birthday once every four years, you are unable to grow up and mature like other people.

You like diving and swimming.

Normal behavior for a piece of shit. .

So I guess that's it from me for this month. I'll be back again for the Easter edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

March 7, 2009.

There’s nothing like a “Closing Down Sale”, garage or car boot sale, and the possibility of acquiring some "free shit", to get US consumers out on the street and lining up three-deep outside a store for hours, in the hopes of buying something cheap that they never wanted in the first place.

And so it was the other weekend with “Circuit City” - one of the many stores and chains,  going out of business, closing down branches or just getting rid of thousands of workers. 

No sooner did the announcement hit TV screens that the electronics chain was going out of business than the lines started forming. Two armed security guards stood watch outside the store, admitting customers one at a time after an ID check and cavity search.

Needless to say, a blend of curiosity and masochism drove me to take my place in the line. I mean, if it wasn't for security checks, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.

So it's back to my old weight loss favorites: Puke-It-Up and Flush-It-out (with green tea extract and essence of acacia, as endorsed by Oprah Winfrey!). And if that doesn’t work, I’ll have Nutrisystem deliver "142 mouth-watering meals right to my door!"

Don’t forget, Alison of Bare Ass, Nebraska, lost more than 68 lbs - in one week! And Luke of Frigid, Wisconsin, 178 lbs!

 Meanwhile, I'm off to get some professional advice...

Although they really don't make it easy for you out here.

But it's not all homemade ice cream and pie kitchens. There are lots of elegant, designer restaurants, like this one the left, for example..

A postage-stamp portion of “black linguini with honey-roasted shrimp on a bed of arugula with white asparagus, sesame croutons and a drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette”, for instance, cost about a $500, tasted like cardboard - although it was prettily arranged on the plate - and the service was nothing to write home about either, apart from the waiter’s cute Italian accent.

On the other end of the scale, you can go to any of the multitude of fast-food dives and get  KFC, pancakes, a burger, or a mile-long, toasted submarine sandwich with everything on it - and dripping with 38 different kinds of melted cheese - for about $2.50. The only way to eat it, of course, is over the sink. According to a TV ad I just saw, “Domino’s oven-baked sandwiches beat Subways 2 to 1 in all national taste tests” – so I guess they must be really good.

I like to cook when I can. And as I like good, healthy ingredients, I shop at Whole Foods. Every item only costs $20 more than anywhere else, and tastes pretty much the same. 

But for those of us watching our weight, my local Whole Foods (on 5th and Wilshire) is a blessing: it must be the most unattractive supermarket in the world.

No matter how hungry I am when I go in, I can never find anything even vaguely appetizing.

Today, I went in for some chicken and came out with a pair of reading glasses, so there you are.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

  And here's the ultimate scam. A group purporting to fight the Spam Scammers. See this email below from - where else - but Nigeria.
 
“I believe you all know what scam is all about. We are Global scam fighters. We are on Internet to inform every one who has been a scam victim that their is an opportunity for them to get back their Money. We are present in africa now to fight scammers and to recover back our lost money to africans."
 
"We encourage any one that has fall victim to co operate with this commission to help them get back their money. All we need is your reply then you brief us how the transaction was made then we will carry on with our investigation. Be rest assured that your money will get back to you within 6 days. you must trust us to trust you okay. Secretary General - If you had sent money to Africa you have a chance to take them to court because 1 of them had been caught..if you lost money or win deaf lottery, contact us quick or chat at yahoo messenger. reply back to this email: scamtrace@gmail.com."

My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.

Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.

I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be creative, which means you lie a great deal.
You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you do not pay attention to anyone and never take advice.
This makes you an idiot.
Everyone thinks you smoke lots of dope.

You may remember my last month's horoscope for Capricorn. 

I wrote: There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus)."

Michael Levine has this to say: "According to biblical scholars, Jesus was most likely born in March. (Shepherds don't tend their flocks in 'fields where they lay' in mid-winter in the Middle East, among many other clues)  So, Capricorns are actually complete losers.

So I guess that's it from me for this month. the first of the new year. I'll be back again for the bumper Valentine's Day edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

January, 30, 2009.

If you drop a bag of lentils on the kitchen floor, you will keep finding them forever!

Why send Christmas cards, when you can send out your very own Spam! Without even knowing it, too! Imagine my surprise to find that I had sent myself - and probably everybody I know - an email with the headline: “Set Your Wife on Fire!”  Needless to say, I opened it - thinking it was a neat arson suggestion and, after all, the sender was hardly unknown to me - and there it was: an ad for “D-Large”, a brand new product to make you extra hard, extra long, extra large, and so forth.

Wondering how people could hijack my email address to make virus-filled spam look like it's coming from me, I googled the topic to find that it really is easy and anybody can do it! Email has no built-in verification of who is sending it. This means that any person can send an email that appears to come from any address. You don’t need special tools, just a basic knowledge of email headers. (My email was hosted by a server in Poland.) And if you’re on the receiving end, apparently there is nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that jolly?

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.

You are basically chickenshit.

There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus).

You should kill yourself.

As another year draws to a close, I want to thank you all for the super emails you have forwarded to me over the past year with special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But this will change once I receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 guardian angels.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. Otherwise I will break out in boils and die a horrible death.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains, as well as taking off my nail polish from the inside.

I no longer go to shopping malls in case somebody drugs me with a food sample and steals my handbag.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I dare not use anyone else's toilet because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Or in case a giant mutant alligator crawls up out of the sewage system, where it has been skulking for centuries, to drag me into the bowels of the earth.

I can't even pick up the ten bucks I found lying in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed ax murderer waiting under the car to grab my leg and hack me to death.

If you don't send this email to at least 86,000 people in the next 5 minutes, a huge vulture with diarrhoea will let loose and follow you around forever.

(I want to thank John Hawkins for forwarding this letter to me, originally composed by Alida Chaney)

So that's it from me for this month - this year, actually - wishing you a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year - financial crisis notwithstanding.

Indeed, the prospects are looking grim for 2009, and I guess we could all do with a bit of support.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've all got plenty to moan about. So, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB, December 24, 2008 

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 

Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).

Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers! 

 No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.

Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress.... 

 The News...

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic.

You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent.

The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.

You are a worthless piece of shit.

So that's it from me for another month, wishing you a Happy, albeit belated, Thanksgiving.

My better half and I are getting ready to fly back to the frozen wastes of Germany in a few days to spend Christmas at home.

Meanwhile, I've done some serious updates, so if you haven't had enough yet, check out the latest Movie Reviews + News & Views, and there will soon be some brand new stuff  in My Travels and Photo Gallery. 

I'll be back with the bumper Christmas Edition with lots more irrelevant observations and tedious trivia.

Meanwhile, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

To make contact easier, just Subscribe To My Site below, for automatic updates.

Geraldine LB November 27, 2008

Credit crunch and financial crisis notwithstanding, there was little evidence of any belt-tightening in the nation's capitol. Quite the reverse, in fact I noticed nothing but excess in all its forms.. Some put it down to Southern Hospitality. 

Amidst rising Election Fever - now less than 2 weeks away - everyone was scuttling around in a panic, wondering how to keep their jobs under the new administration.

There is little else on the news, although campaigning has been going on for well over a year. Debate has followed repetitious debate, followed by exhaustive analysis of said debate, interspersed with ever-more savage smear campaigns. We must know just about everything there is to know about these guys by now: down to the color of their socks. Everything, in fact, but the identity of their respective cabinets. Nobody seems interested. Not even the media has asked - who will your advisers be? Who will be your Secretary of State, Defense, Chief of Staff, etc.? 

It's obviously not important.

But for some residents of the District, life goes on as usual.

Especially in the Washington Zoo, as can be seen from this giant tortoise gang bang. 

The one on top (male, I can only presume) weights about 500 lbs., while the one below only weights about 150 lbs. She (if female) didn't have a chance.

An extraordinary event, according to a zoo official, who said that they only do this about once every 80 years!

Nothing helps you forget your troubles like tight shoes.

As this is how most people communicate these days, no serious bitching would be complete without some mention of telecommunication and Spam. Everybody you know seems to have at least 35 different email addresses and 18 phone numbers, although strangely enough, this does not make contact any easier. No one in the US will answer the phone for a start, because of all the telemarketing, so you have to leave voice mails all over the place. These sometimes disappear into the ether - or wherever it is that voice mails go - so the notification often doesn’t appear until days later. Lord help you, if your message was urgent. Important emails likewise often go astray and float around somewhere but, it’s a weird thing, the SPAM always seems to get through! Even if it lands in your spam folder, it gets there.

Now, you can install a million firewalls, anti-virus programs and spam-blockers, which will only serve to slow down your PC, clutter up your hard drive, and make sure you can’t get in touch with anyone at all. But the SPAM will still slip through.

A few months back, I wrote an amusing (I thought) little piece about all the glorious financial opportunities that were landing in my spam folder. You know the ones, the Spam Scams telling you about the lottery tickets you’ve won, the FedEx package that has just arrived in your name, employees of various banks who want you to help them get millions out of the country, the terminally ill wanting you to distribute their wealth to worthy causes because they don’t trust their families, etc., etc., all in a transparent attempt to access your bank account details and/or - if you are naïve enough to be hooked - get you to fork out a few hundred bucks for certain "processing fees". 

These are some of the loglines:Good news, you have a package with Fed-Ex, Congratulations lucky winner, Future millionaires wanted, Important notice! and Greetings to you!  (I find that one particularly ominous),  International ATM Credit Settlement.

Then there are the educational prospects: A Radiology degree offers new career opportunities, A rewarding career begins with a degree, A brighter future starts with a medical billing degree, and Ever thought about getting into pharmaceuticals?

(Oh, boy, have I!).

But by far the most spam seems to revolve around erections or lack of same, which leads me to assume that the male erection, or lack of same, is a bigger problem than I had ever supposed. What used to be the relatively discreet Get your Viagra online has evolved into some very imaginative slogans, all of which seem to be aimed at the impotent American market: When the tool is hard life is good, How to control your ejaculations, Your pecker will grow by inches  (why stop there? Why not yards?). This next one’s really weird: You can make your daughter groan girls from pleasure? (not composed by an English-speaker, surely?), Get bigger and harder erections,  Want a king pecker?, Rock hard is the only result we give, Express size increase only with magic growth, Proud American!, Cheap method to increasing your erection, Boost your erection and sex life now, She will want to wrap her hands around your shaft (very graphic, that one). And my personal favorite: Put power in your pecker  (short and to the point). 

The number of websites and online pharmacies devoted to flogging comparatively priced Viagra and generic drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, like Cialis, Levitra, Tadalis, Meridia, Celebrex, and the Little Blue Pill, etc., is truly phenomenal. Wondering if this was a relatively recent development or if the problem had always been lurking in the male psyche, I tried to access some sales statistics, purported to be in billions, but came up against a stone wall. I shall, however, keep trying.

Meanwhile, I came across an article from 2001, reporting one of the first Viagra-related deaths, Mr. Kenneth Marsh of Fairfield, Indiana, who died of an overdose. Apparently it took them 3 days to wipe the smile off his face and another 2 weeks to get the coffin lid down.

What is certain, is that today more money is being spent on Viagra than on Alzheimer's research, which means that by 2040, there will a lot of old men with huge erections unlikely to remember what to do with them.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)

Yours is the worst sign of the Zodiac.You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.

You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.

You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

So it's farewell from me this time round, wishing you a Happy Halloween.

Just dusting off the old broomstick to fly to Los Angeles for a Witches Convention.You all know how I love the place (scroll down to the end for more details), so I'm looking forward to finding lots of stuff that pisses me off.

Meanwhile, I've done some serious updates, so if you haven't had enough of me yet, check out the latest Movie Reviews, News & Views, and there are some brand new photos in My Travels and Photo Gallery. 

I'll be back with the Thanksgiving Edition with lots more biased opinions and irritating trivia.

Meanwhile, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com. So let's hear it!

To make contact easier, just Subscribe To My Site below, for automatic updates.

Geraldine LB October 26, 2008

IBERIA gets 10 points for the sheer wretchedness of their in-flight entertainment.

This relates, of course, to economy class. Should the in-flight movie be anything worth watching, then rest assured the headphone sockets will be faulty.

Santo Domingo Airport gets 10 points for bureaucracy. You not only have to take your shoes off at the security checkpoint (2 points), but you have to fill out all kinds of senseless forms - printed in Spanish in very tiny print with no pens in sight - before heading for the departure gate (8 points). These forms must be handed in about 20 seconds after you've filled them out. Note: None of the questions on this form are in any way applicable.

Madrid Barajas Airport gets this month’s top score of 20 points for the officiousness of their security people.

 40 misery points altogether: an all-time record for one trip!

WARNING! That nice little bottle of rum you want to bring back to Europe from the Caribbean is a no-no.

New security regulations prohibit any liquid being taken into the EU in your hand luggage – even if it is purchased from the Duty Free Shop. This, of course, does not stop the duty free shop from selling it to you. On the other hand, it does provide a nice drop of plonk for the lads at Barajas airport after they confiscate it.

NOTE: Spanish officials do not speak English. They will tell you this even while you are chattering at them in Spanish. Those who know me will be surprised to hear that an English expletive escaped my lips, while my better half was clinging to the other end of the rum bottle, sobbing (after all it did cost $8). Suddenly bilingual, the Spanish official understood this word very well and I was almost carted away in chains. Ergo: It is best to avoid insulting Spanish officials in any language.

In case I forgot to mention it, last month's misery award went to British Airways and London Heathrow Airport.

Attention Readers: This looks like becoming a regular feature, so don't hesitate to submit your own tales of travel woe to see who will be the winner of this year's Misery Award!

Which brings us neatly to India. This is my Cousin Mark. He is wearing what every smart young man-about-town - with a sense of self-preservation - is wearing in Gujerat, India, these days.

If you look closely, you can see the family resemblance.

Mark had a lot to say about his recent stay in Vapi, a town which bears the rare distinction of being the most polluted place on the planet .Here are just a few of the things that pissed him off, in his own words:.

The Indian rail system. The stations smell like open sewers, and in fact some are just that. The rodents are as big as some of the paying customers, and were chewing on my sneakers during my only train trip to Baroda. 

The Indian highway system:  immense traffic jams caused by cows lying in the road. Along with dogs, goats, sheep, and water buffalo, which are very cute in their places... which do not include skinny medians on major highways. And it's illegal to move or even touch dead ones by the side of (or center of) the roadway. Oh yes, major highways - National Highway 8 runs/crawls/limps at least from Mumbai to Ahmedabad, and is still 1 lane each way in many places. 

Of course, in India, lane markings are suggestions only...I have seen more hair-raising driving in the last 72 hours than anyone should experience in a lifetime.

Here's a question sneaked from the current Gujarat driver's test:

Always pass on:

A.  The left
B.  The right
C.  The shoulder
D.  The road, or somewhere near it
E..  A whim.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his ascetic diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

With the price of gas up to over $4 a gallon and rising, now's the time to give this slogan some serious consideration.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a pushover.

You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be a loser and your life won't be worth a shit.

You are overly fond of oral sex (OK, who isn't, but look at your sign, for heaven's sake!), which makes you a pervert. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

This one's for the girls.

Having just done a movie review on Sex & the City – click on Movies to take a look - I thought it time to share some of the things that piss me off about fashion in general and shopping for clothes in particular.

1. Low-rise jeans that slide straight off your ass and take your knickers with them.

2. Low-rise “sports” socks that reach just high enough on the back of your ankle to conflict with your trainers and give you blisters. They are also inclined to slide right off your feet and bunch up in your shoes. What sport does one perform in these socks?

3. String panties or “tangas” as they like to call them in Germany. Best defined as anal dental floss.

4. Ludicrous shoes – like these “high rise” boots on the left t – straight from China - probably because Chinese ladies are so short..

5. Buying the right size. Clothes + shoe sizes seem to differ dramatically depending on country of manufacture or place of purchase. A UK shoe size 4 ½ is a 7 in the US, a 37 in Germany and a 23 ½ in Japan. 

But you don’t even have to change countries to have problems. A pair of size 36 slacks were just right in Esprit, but too tight at H&M where I needed a 38, but miles too large in C&A where a 34 was just right.  So work that one out.

DUBAI - Before and After! 

And before wasn't all that long ago either.  An interesting place Dubai: unlimited prosperity and frantic growth.  I visit the place about once every 5 years or so, just to giggle at the skyline and gawp at the economic progress. Dubai is ever expanding: upwards, downwards, sideways, inland , offshore; every which way.

A tourist paradise; a luxury shopping mall with sand round it - New York meets Disneyland in the desert - who am I to whinge about such apparent wealth and progress?

At a mild 36 degrees C - bear in mind it was only spring - in summer temperatures soar into the high 50s - you spend most of your time scuttling from one air-conditioned location to another. Mostly luxury hotels and shopping malls. I have never seen so many luxury shopping malls crammed into such a small area - and more are under construction. But this is understandable, I guess, because shopping is the national sport. (Dubai even hosts an annual Shopping Festival every Jan/Feb).

And you can find some real bargains too! A solid gold Rolex that would cost you $50,000 anywhere else, costs only $48,500 here!

But say what you will, it's got one helluva beach!  

  You can't visit a Petro-country like Dubai without touching upon the rising price of gasoline. Now up to $4 a gallon, this illustration  says it all.

As you can see, these bunnies are dropping like flies! .

Should this not be depressing enough, more macabre bunny suicides can be found in THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES by Andy Riley, published by Hodder & Stoughton (ISBN 0340828994). 

Sort oflike the Guiness Book of Records for Rabbits. 

Now that I'm back home in the Fatherland, I can finally pig out on some healthy German food!

This is known as a "currywurst". A sausage covered in curry powder and loads of glop.

Usually accompanied with "German" fries drowned in mayonnaise. I actually watched in horror as a friend of mine consumed one of these. 

And for dessert! 

Despite the occasional fast food lapse - Vive la difference!

And many thanks to British composer John Hawkins for pointing this out.

I should think you've had about enough for this month. Tune in next time round, when I'll be introducing you to my Cousin Mark the scientist, who has just returned from the most polluted place on the planet (in Gujerat, India) where he has been doing whatever it is he does in places like that. He survived to tell the tale and has plenty to share with us.

So ta-ta, stay well, keep that smile on your face and don't forget - all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB May 31, 2008

Yes, Spring is sprung, the grass is riz,

I wonder where that tortoise is!

 It's that time of year when we take the tortoise out of its straw-filled box in the garage and set it out on the lawn to romp.

And this one was really going at our garden party last Sunday. It ate 3 tomato sandwiches and went through a whole pack of cigarettes. 

I'm trying to get it to stop smoking. 

I’ve tried every conceivable way to give up smoking:

Ear Acupuncture, where they stick a long needle into one ear and pull it out through the other. I found it so unnerving that I had to light up immediately.

A girlfriend (thanks, Debbie) recommended these pills that make you throw up every time you have a cigarette. After much practise, I can now puke and smoke at the same time.

A few months back, a colleague of mine – who claims to have been abducted by aliens a number of times (I don’t know if it was the same aliens, but they don’t seem to keep him for long) from the Mojave Desert (not the aliens, that’s where he was abducted from) - took me to a somewhat esoteric quit-smoking-therapist down in San Diego.I focused all my willpower (I don’t have a great deal), while gripping two metal electrode things (like the Scientologists use) for about half an hour, chanting “I will not smoke. I will not smoke.” After paying him $500, he gave me a complimentary bottle of “Pure Organic Noni Juice – Certified Kosher and Vegetarian” to sip, whenever I got the urge. It's tastes great while you're smoking. (FYI: This is otherwise known as “Organic Tahitian Morinda Citrifolia”).

Nicotine patches. These work – but only if you stick them over your mouth.

Sad news has just come in of another bunny suicide.